He said:     What the hell, a quadruple on Christmas? Why was the joint open on Christmas in first place?                     (pause) Riiight. Non-Jesus freaks had to eat too.

 

She said:     Chinese. This is a Chinese restaurant, ya dinosaur.

 

He said:     The place was packed, but only these five were targeted. Zero witnesses. Imagine that. They                       were mute flies on the wall.

 

She said:     Huh?

 

He said:     You know the expression, ‘I’d love to be a fly on that wall?’ This the opposite.

 

She said:     The expression goes: ‘if only the walls had ears.’ Your comedic genius is a murder weapon.                        When’s your Netflix special dropping?

 

He said:     With that much blood, I thought for sure all five were dead. Until the ME found a pulse in the                     blonde.  (pause)  Who we have identified as one Mrs. Petunia Bonbono. Wife of the one and                       only Paulie Bonbono, a.k.a. Detroit’s most generous mobster, who just so happened to be                           sprawled across the floor on his way to the back exit, shot down mid-flight. Tail between his                       legs.

 

She said:    Obviously, this was a hit.

 

He said:     Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, grasshopper. We need to ID the other three. Get some                             gloves and start  wallet duty. I’m going to have a chat with the owner.

 

Owner:     They were all wearing COVID masks. I didn’t catch any of their faces. They just come in the                          door, walked to Mr. Bonbono’s table and started shooting.

 

He said:     You knew the deceased?

 

Owner:     He’s here all the time with his cronies. He loaned me money to help the restaurant survive                            through hard times and now he thinks he owns a table.

 

He said:     What about the shooters? Any identifying characteristics?

 

Owner:       They were all dressed in black. Black hoodies, black jeans, black –

 

He said:      Think. Or I’ll have the health inspector here first thing tomorrow morning. There must be                               something...identifying. What would you remember if they were just regular customers?

 

Owner:       They wore flashy watches. Like the kind rich people keep at home because they’re too                                 expensive to risk getting scratched. Each was worth more than one-hundred K a pop. I’m no                        jeweler, but I’d bet one of these watches was worth more than my house in Birmingham.

 

He said:      Big bucks, eh? Thanks, Smiley. I knew ya had it in you. Now, pour me a quick shot of whiskey                      before my head explodes. (pause) How can you afford Birmingham working here?

 

 

__________

 

 

 

She says:     When the ME report came in, we were all thrown for a loop. All of them had gunshot                                   wounds. No spoiler alert required. The crazy bit is that everyone at the table was also                                   poisoned.

 

He says:       What poison, pray tell?

 

She says:      Arsenic. Ingested with dinner. If they hadn’t been shot, they’d have keeled before going to                          bed for the night. Could it be that Detroit’s most generous mobster was successfully                                    targeted twice in the same night?

 

He says:        By two different assassins? The Chinese practically invented arsenic. And Smiley there loves                        to put on a great pageant.

 

She says:     You think he’s trying to muddy the waters?

 

He says:       Go to the hospital. Check on Petunia. You seen my flask?

 

 

__________

 

 

She said:     You’ll never believe who’s here doting on Petunia and seeing to her every non-medical need at this very                       moment...

 

He said:      Kim Kardashian?

 

She said:     Bad try. Paulie Junior. Wearing a watch that looks like it cost more than Smiley’s house. She left him                              outside ringing the bell.

 

He said:     What kind of sense does that make? You think he hit his own

                   father on Smiley’s behalf?

 

She said:     There’s only one way to find out.

 

 

__________

 

 

 

He said:     Mister Paul Bonbono Jr. Damned glad to meet you. Have a seat. On the other side of the table, please.

 

She said:     We’re sorry to hear about your father.

 

Paulie said:  Me too. The old man’s seen better days.

 

He said:     How much did that watch set you back?

 

Paulie said:     It was a gift from my Dad.

 

She said:     Helluva gift.

 

Paulie said:      He liked extravagance. It was his thing. He was always handing out cash and little shit gifts to people.                            Paid well too. You’d never see one of his men dressed like a bum.  Always dressed to the nines. He                               might have been a bastard, but he cared about the people around him, you know?

 

__________

 

 

He said:     That’s a pretty expensive watch you’re wearing, Smiley.

 

Smiley said:     This old thing? It’s fake, they’re a dime a dozen. I have a box full in the

                         office to hand out on special occasions.

 

He said:     Before I cuff you, pour us both a double. Top shelf. Single malt, this time.